The Sauron-Schicklgruber Paradox
by Missy the Least
Summary: Sheldon has discovered that Leonard still has the One Ring and a wrestling match between the roommates ensues. In the struggle, Leonard is accidentally (or not) sent back to WWII Germany, where he is rescued by a certain group of Unsung Heroes completing a mission of their own. Can Col. Hogan and his gang save the Manhattan Project and send Leonard back? Also w/ LotR references.
1. Chapter 1

The Sauron-Schicklgruber Paradox

Chapter 1: Present is Prologue

March 6, 2011

An apartment in Pasadena, California

Let us join the scene, already in progress...

"It's MINE! MINE! My Precious!" screamed the giant-sized, human analog for a six-year-old Muppet, (aka Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D.), as he clung to a thick golden chain, which other end was temporarily in the possession of another (much shorter) human analog for a ten-year-old Muppet.

In other words, Leonard Hofstadter (also Ph.D.) was not having a good day.

The young bespectacled physicist was in the middle of a tug of war in the middle of their living room with his roommate over a movie prop - and it was looking more and more like he was Deagol to Sheldon's Gollum, as he was losing his death-grip on the chain holding the last version of the One Ring.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Of course, it had all started at a year before when the short, dark haired man and his friends had discovered the ill-gotten item at a flea market. After a ridiculous day and night of the group coming to blows and Survivor-like tactics (whoever hangs on the longest, no matter what...) Leonard had managed to convince the others that he had returned the Ring to Peter Jackson, the famous director of the Lord of the Rings movies (and the person who would have had the final say on who got what tchotchkes from the set). Instead, he had actually hidden it and had been congratulating himself on his cleverness - until now.

Now, he was right back to square one.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Today had been the quarterly disaster preparedness drill (under the Roommate Agreement) and when Sheldon's earthquake simulator triggered a real earthquake (don't ask) they both got stuck in Leonard's bedroom closet (really, don't ask), whereupon the shoe-box where Leonard kept the Ring fell and exposed its contents, unhappily allowing the twosome to escape (really REALLY, don't ask), ending up in the living room where we began this scene (currently in progress):

"MINE! MINE! My Precious MY Pre-cisiussss! MINE!" shrieked Sheldon, lanky arms akimbo, as he tried in the most awkward manner possible to gain the leverage that his significantly greater height should have afforded. Leonard could only stubbornly hold on as the chain began to stretch, and curl into a hunch, in an attempt to thwart Sheldon latest tactic (which was jumping up and down, punctuated with a "MINE" on each landing).

"Sheldon," began Leonard, (in a futile attempt to reason with his demented friend)

"MINE" (Sheldon was starting to get color in his normally pale face from the exertion)

"this is ab-"

"MINE"

"-surd, can't"

"MINE" (Sheldon's brown bangs were now plastered against his forehead)

"we talk"

"MINE" (Leonard thought that Sheldon's arms resembled a pair of wet noodles, they flopped so)

"this over?" Leonard gasped, jerking his head back, trying to keep his eyeglasses perched on his nose without the use of his hands.

In response, Sheldon gave the chain a final desperate yank which - now follow me here - caused this chain reaction:

(A) Chain snaps violently; causing

(B) Leonard, chain & Ring to go flying backwards; causing

(i) Leonard's body to achieve zero gradient in 0.25 seconds;

(a) Leonard's arm, holding broken chain, also reaches zero gradient simultaneously;

(1) Knocking the table lamp over; as

(2) Leonard's head hits the edge of the table.

(ii) Chain & Ring curl over the lampshade; and

(b) Strike light bulb with shattering force; causing

(C) An electric surge; causing

(iii) Building wide blackout; and

(iv) Leonard to be mostly electrocuted and slightly alive.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The last thing Leonard heard as he passed out and beyond, was a strange voice, strident yet commanding, whispering:

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,  
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.  
In Germany where the Shadows lie.

_Germany? But that's not how the line goes_, thought Leonard, and then he thought no more.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: My thanks to the encouragement of my core team, Snooky, Kat & Wolfie, as well as the Olsen of the group, our "Outside Man" Gene, and a new member of La Resistance, Jenny.

I do not own Hogan's Heroes, and my real name is not Chuck Lore, who with his writers and CBS own The Big Bang Theory and the wonderful characters therein.

Finally, my name is also not J.R.R. Tolkien, and the poem of course belongs to the famous Rhyme of Lore from the book the Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Rings, The Council of Elrond.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - So is the Past

March 7, 1943  
Approximately 0200 hours, near Hammelburg, Germany

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The raid on Dusseldorf went without a hitch; everything according to plan - well almost.

_It's always 'almost' with these things_, thought the tall, dark haired and dark-eyed man, ghosting through the woods like an Indian Scout, pale face soot-blackened, muddy clothes blending with the night.

Except for the gleam of blood, oily and slick and black as tar in the fitful moonlight. _I'll have to wash up as soon as we get in, lucky we got the shower working again...maybe the guests left me some hot water! Rather have a hot shower than a medal, any day._

The memory of why he was covered with mud and blood made him smile, and a soft, pleased chuckle escaped, hardly loud enough to reach the ears of his second. But the sound reached.

A hulking shadow detached from a nearby tree bole; silently, the shadow came forward and resolved into a very large man, whose face and hands were nearly darker than the dead black clothing he wore:

"What's so funny, Colonel?" whispered the shadow man.

"Carter's and LeBeau's faces when they realized that Ilise was going into labor, right then and there."

The black man joined in the quiet laughter, and his Colonel added: "And Newkirk! Don't forget Newkirk. I think he's still checking to see if he has all his fingers."

"That's what he gets for trying to distract a woman in labor with 'Pick a card, any card.' "

"True, but the pack did come in handy."

"Lucky for Newkirk we can still add to our order with London. He'll drive us all crazy if he doesn't have a pack of cards to play with. And before you ask, not a chance, Colonel. Poor Ilise bit straight through half a suite worth, and there are teeth marks in half of the rest."

At that, the Colonel shuddered, just a bit: "I don't envy the women; we may get caught and we may get tortured, but we're not volunteering to have something the size of a watermelon ripped out of our guts. And to do it more than once? I'm sure not that brave."

But before the second man could respond, they heard the stealthy noises of men moving quietly in the brush behind, but not quietly enough:

"Bloody 'ell, Carter, that's me ankle! Can't ya watch where you're goin'? "

"Jeeze, Newkirk, in case you haven't noticed, it's dark out here."

"Assez! Do you want the Krauts to hear you?"

With that, three new figures crept out of the darkness. All three wore black turtlenecks and black pants, their faces smeared with lampblack. One wore a black knit toque, hiding most of his dirty blonde hair.

"Knock it off, fellas," ordered their leader, sotto voce, "and start listening for any survivors. Three chutes came down in this area, at least one should be near enough for us to get to the poor guy before the patrols do."

" 'Ow long do we search, Guv'ner?"

"Wish I could say as long as it takes, but we have to be back at camp in an hour, so fan out but keep heading towards home. Standing orders otherwise."

"Yes Sir," chorused the men, as they split up, generally heading to the south-east, melting into the undergrowth.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Leonard was tingling; he couldn't move voluntarily yet, but for a few eternal nanoseconds it felt like he was salt dissolving in water. And everything stopped. Then the tingling came back; it felt like his molecules were re-animating, coming to life. But in that life, there was fire and the fire held him.

Ablaze with lightning instead of blood in his veins, Leonard's nerves hummed a song electric, his heart playing staccato beats in tune. Blind and deaf to the world, all he knew was the sense of being suspended in space, his backside striking something solid over and over.

The heat spiked on his arms, like something was constricting his biceps - no not something, someone. Someone was grabbing his arms, and his entire body began to swing. Gentle swaying decreased the burn, but the 'ants crawling' sensation ramped up beneath his skin.

His feet banged into something solid, but his legs were useless jelly and they folded under him like a marionette with broken strings, his back resting against something rough and uneven.

The last thing he felt was a pressure across his abdomen, tingling in his brain, and a hive of wasps had taken up residence between his ears.

And the only thing he heard, weaving through the buzzing: "Colonel, I found him."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: Many thanks to my betas: Snooky, Kat, Wolfie and Gene and Jenny for their input, and a big 'Thank you' to Snooky for her review and Rutika for the favoriting.


End file.
